This post is not intended to be a how-to be a mom because I am still figuring it out as I go. But rather me sharing my experience as a first time mom, the emotions, and challenges I’ve faced along the way. I absolutely love motherhood. My son Levi James is about to turn 6 months and he is my world I’m in constant awe of his curiosity, determination, and his loving nature. He is growing so fast I want him to slow down just a few days ago he started to sit on his own and has now moved on to learning to crawl. Our days are filled with so much love and laughter, my boyfriend and I are extremely thankful to be his parents. While being a mom is the best, it’s also oh so hard and requires a lot of patience.
I feel like the first few months I spent them secretly feeling overwhelmed and in a constant panic. I had made up what I thought a good mom should look and act like and I had to become just that. She knew everything and had all the answers instantly never made mistakes and did everything with a smile. I began to obsess over feeding him every 2 hours on the dot not a minute later.To reach this state of perfection I downloaded a feeding app that would alert me when baby “was hungry”. I became obsessed and instead of aiding me, the alert would send me into a panic. Diaper changes also became my enemy, they needed to be changed as soon as he was wet. While I did have some logic during this time I couldn’t help my feed into my craziness there was so much to learn and know and I wasn’t perfect. These feeling were only heightened when DR. visits rolled around, they felt more like test and the only way to ace them was to remember every detail of his day. I had to be ready to answer and also be prepared with a list of questions to ask in return, even when we didn’t have any. Good moms always asked the right questions.
I never wanted to admit that I was overwhelmed, whenever anyone ask how I was doing a quickly answered “great”. I felt like the moment I gave birth, it was an open invitation to the most invasive questionnaire ever. I knew people meant no harm by asking for updates, but I was just too tired and I felt I needed to hand over a book report. How we were dealing, sleeping, how Levi was eating, was I nursing, was it hard and to make matters worse these question were always followed with advise. Even people I was pretty sure had never been around a baby gave advise. I hated it all.
Well… It wasn’t long before I broke down, and I finally told my boyfriend that I felt like I was a bad mother. He looked at me confused, he didn’t see what I saw. He gave me a hug gave me time to cry and then asked why? I told him all my “fails” from the feedings to feeling like I didn’t pay enough attention to Levi. He knew my love for Levi made me worry and obsess over silly details. He saw the happiest little baby that looked at his mom so lovingly there was no way I could be a “bad mother”. It was then or maybe the days that followed that I realized how hard I was being on myself and how little credit I gave my ability to mother. My baby had a smile on his face everyday and he was healthy and was doing just fine even with feedings at three hours not two. I realized that I wanted my son to grow up knowing that perfection is not realistic and the only way to learn is to make a few mistakes along the way. I know realize that it takes time get to know your babies needs, I follow my intuition and trust that I am the best mother I can be.